omg this is it.

this is it.

i said it i wanted to break up over the phone

and we were having such a great conversation too and he was so happy i was back and KABOOM all that for nothing. for nothing.

what a bitch. he blocked me from facebook what do i expect.

I came back from China, and I felt so ready, so capable of doing this but actually going through with it is so much more worse. It doesn’t help that he wasn’t that bad? compared to my friends’ past bfs and dates. i told him everything i wanted, he had a plan everything and i didn’t even give him a try.

With everything that happened china, i feel that i have really found who i am, what i can be, where i stand and i definitely have the capacity to do this. i have friends, i have sisters, i have some kind of reputation i guess i have no idea and i can do this. I have everything in my possession and ability to go through with breaking up with Luis at least for the year. I do, and not do anything.

But i really did fail in my telephone phone break up when he asked what I wanted to do on Tuesday “are we still going out?” I said yes but I understand if you don’t want to sleep with me. and then he asked “what do you want” and I said I want to still sleep with him and he said alright and hung up on me.

I totally failed in everything I just said in that one statement, I kind of was thinking I wanted “one last night” to fix unresolved issues to have it not be so abrupt but is that too nice? Is that too lenient? Does that go against everything I just said right now? I think it would be fantastic and a good transition out, but is that too nice? Really everyone I need help on this one.

–

I kind of feel bad because he really helped me, he helped me with my confidence issue, he built me up as a freshman and i am so dependent on him. But I want to be independent now. I want to stand on my own and hold my head up high without his help. I can do this. I am able to do this, but how able am I to do this.

The way I got into my phone break up conversation was basically this “will we still talk if we were to break up?” He said No. All good things in times, but it definitely won’t be that easy. He seemed absolutely torn to me when I told him and he started negotiating saying how fucked up I was but I keep thinking how fucked up I was to him already and how it haunts and torments him, at least, that’s how it seems to me. He needs a break from me to say the least, I need to be out of his life so he can recover to his proud state he once was without me. He can do it, I believe in him. I just hope he won’t be as public about it as me, but that’s asking for a lot.

Just, why would you even try negotiating with a bitch like me?

That’s it, I hope I can do this guys. I really do wish me luck, I really need all support I can get because I want to go through with this.

I feel like I’m a druggie trying to ween myself off drugs, good lord.

I’m so glad xangas still around

i really appreciate soap and toilet paper in public restrooms and how strong american korean alcohol is

i love face wash and conditioner

and im back home and busy as ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omgggooooodnesssss

anyways

a lot of HA work to do and i think im getting a hang over but i dont want to eat because im going to get fat @.@

so sadddddd

skinny skinny skinny

and i love my group, i love this group of people were drama filled real worlders but weve grown on each other we have.

what the fuck i went bungee jumping today and i can believe i fucking did that

i knew, i know that its much far far worse than skydiving, but i did it cause everyone else was doing it and it was like one of those questions our 3rd grade teacher said that “if everyone jumps off a cliff are you going to jump off too?” YES what the fuckkkkkkk i can believe how many people were down i said if these people did it i can too

but hell it wasnt as exhilerating as i imagined it to be i fucking panicked for my life i dove no like i wanted to be graceful he said go gogo, i held on i took a deep breath and i fucking jumped and ran to make it faster and make it stop except i was running on nothing but air i fucking panicked the whole time i was falling i couldnt get past the fact that this dive was never ending and i would not hit icey cold water it finally hit the bottom and POP my shoe fucking flies off after i double knotted it LOL i was like OH FUCK MY SHOEEE AHHHHHHHHHHH and i flew and fucking waited for it to end omfg i did it

i dont think ill do it again, it was beautiful, i dont remember looking around except for me falling and keep falling keep falling ahhhhhhh i jumped like i was jumping into the pool but it didnt stop

omg i dont know if ill ever forget how i fell, and i kept falling AHAHAHA i kept falling i kept falling how terrifying

but its done

it was in a beautiful part of China with crystal green water and beautiful mountains

ohhh beautiful.

yeah i did it.

the backs of my knees hurt like i stretched it and i have a little big of whiplash, soggy socks and shoes, and my ankles are sore where the stuff was but i did it. and it was beautiful. SIGHHHHHHH not really but what a feeling.

i had the best weekend ever, despite my sickness and fever, i had a greatgreat weekend.

ohh propaganda and finding free drinks

i had a great time.

babeeeeee

i love kesha

she doesnt have a body, shes not sexy, shes ridiculous, a sad ridiculed white girl produced by pop to make fun of white people trying to be like black people.

i love kesha and its quality

quality white trash

hardly

i think that’s the theme of the summer, miley cyrus is trying to shed her girl image, i dont know if i can ever get rid of hannah montana, i love her music, but meh trashtrash trash im just another product of us pop culture <3 and i fucking love it

gets me excited for my classes of pop culture next quarter

idont know but now i feel like i have fucking lived the life

and i love it

minus a lover which i guess is an important point in my life. oh well, i need to be more comfortable about being alone

i cant wait to get home

but i know im going to have a bombass time in the next 2 weeks

ive been having the time of my life.

china has been conquered ok

i got a fever last night and i sweat it off the same night but i didnt want to make things worse by going out it slut clothes and drinking

i was pretty sick, still am but definitely recovering

got a lot of things i wanted yesterday i want to call my mom but she doesnt pick up!! realized i shouldve been more careful but i got a bra 1 size to big, oh well i can do that

got an umbrella ive been wanting forever and then they switched it with one i didnt like as much its still better than what i would have settled for, but i should have been a little more careful UGH

and a really cute bra

and shoes sighh walked away from shoes i should have never walked away from. oh well like boys

need to put up pictures UGH

nighty night aka afternoon.

this is a beautiful article

https://medium.com/architecting-a-life/cff4161f551c

storm storm go away come again another day
it realy does rain every weekend!!

so tired and exhuasted from a well exhausted weekend
my room is a fuckinggg mess!!!

i need to start studying
oh and this.

being in China ive gotten kind of yellow fever
but i realized i only like a certain type of asian
tall powerful asians
tall is not that hard to fulfill
ive kind of been crushing on this one asian guy back home but its nothing
but i think its cute candy mmmmmm

there are good looking guys in my program but theyre not my type
i love  guys who have a future and have a clue what theyre doing
but the question is
is it time to let go? do i like him enough?
thats always the question
yes i like him a lot and i can see myself with him in the future but right now…
i dont know.
i really dont know because there are so many things i dont like about him………
i really want to go out there
i really want to just fly and try things out
but i like him
but maybe its time

maybe its been so long since ive seen him….
still theres so many things i dont like about him
i dont know what to dooooooo
i dont need a guy

yeah i dont know what to do.

oh my god i can’t fucking believe xanga made it
i guess ill just keep my wordpress for back up sake, but it made it
it made it.

I logged once again onto Xanga out of boredom nostalgia and chance
everything’s going great and I have less than 3 weeks left which feel like nothing!!!!!!!

Meanwhile instead of studying I decided to move to wordpress.
I checked the stats on Xanga Fundraiser and we still have $15000 to collect in order for xanga to transfer to a not-free wordpress community. I do not know if we can do it in 3 days, ive donated, and I am preparing for the worst.
Ive archived my blogs for free THANK THE LORD and am in the process of transferring it to my new wordpress blog: http://spunkyhelen.wordpress.com

subscribe whatever because i love you all and maybe I dont comment, but I still read your things and love you for being there for me. so yes, I am moving.
annoying whatever yes. Im getting shit popups all over now i dont understand

things are alright but i need to study chinese

BLEH