August 25, 2013
-
omg this is it.
this is it.
i said it i wanted to break up over the phone
and we were having such a great conversation too and he was so happy i was back and KABOOM all that for nothing. for nothing.
what a bitch. he blocked me from facebook what do i expect.
I came back from China, and I felt so ready, so capable of doing this but actually going through with it is so much more worse. It doesn’t help that he wasn’t that bad? compared to my friends’ past bfs and dates. i told him everything i wanted, he had a plan everything and i didn’t even give him a try.
With everything that happened china, i feel that i have really found who i am, what i can be, where i stand and i definitely have the capacity to do this. i have friends, i have sisters, i have some kind of reputation i guess i have no idea and i can do this. I have everything in my possession and ability to go through with breaking up with Luis at least for the year. I do, and not do anything.
But i really did fail in my telephone phone break up when he asked what I wanted to do on Tuesday “are we still going out?” I said yes but I understand if you don’t want to sleep with me. and then he asked “what do you want” and I said I want to still sleep with him and he said alright and hung up on me.
I totally failed in everything I just said in that one statement, I kind of was thinking I wanted “one last night” to fix unresolved issues to have it not be so abrupt but is that too nice? Is that too lenient? Does that go against everything I just said right now? I think it would be fantastic and a good transition out, but is that too nice? Really everyone I need help on this one.
–
I kind of feel bad because he really helped me, he helped me with my confidence issue, he built me up as a freshman and i am so dependent on him. But I want to be independent now. I want to stand on my own and hold my head up high without his help. I can do this. I am able to do this, but how able am I to do this.
The way I got into my phone break up conversation was basically this “will we still talk if we were to break up?” He said No. All good things in times, but it definitely won’t be that easy. He seemed absolutely torn to me when I told him and he started negotiating saying how fucked up I was but I keep thinking how fucked up I was to him already and how it haunts and torments him, at least, that’s how it seems to me. He needs a break from me to say the least, I need to be out of his life so he can recover to his proud state he once was without me. He can do it, I believe in him. I just hope he won’t be as public about it as me, but that’s asking for a lot.
Just, why would you even try negotiating with a bitch like me?
That’s it, I hope I can do this guys. I really do wish me luck, I really need all support I can get because I want to go through with this.
I feel like I’m a druggie trying to ween myself off drugs, good lord.
