stupid helen
you talk too much
think before you talk
stupid helen

I am still traumatized to this day from something that happened in my spanish class in my junior year. I don't know what I could have done, but I did what was right or what I knew to be write then.
An average period in Spanish class with my not so favorite teacher Esquer.
We were starting up class and I passed up my homework but I forgot if I had written my name on top and I asked for my paper back. That put me behind in writing everything in my agenda, and I was quickly finishing that up and hadn't moved on to the assignment for the day yet though most of the other students had. I had my arm over the class text book on my desk as I was finishing up my agenda entry when another girl in the class said she did not have the book. I was about finished and about to open up my book when Esquer came up to me in the middle of the classroom out of her way, and yanked the textbook from out of my arm because I was not doing the assignment like everyone else. I was getting to it, I hadn't started yet like the other girl but I was targeted, she picked me out of the whole class of 30 or so students. There might have been other empty seats, the girl could have shared her book with the person sitting next to her, but Esquer targeted me and that definitely was not fair nor right.
I started crying, I don't remember how Esquer reacted but she continued with the class nonetheless as I tried to cry silently in the middle of class. I awkwardly shared the textbook the rest of class with the boy next to me. I did not do the assignments that well that period or the rest of the day because of the state my teacher left me in. She did not say anything to that. I really contemplated my options, could I be dramatic and walk out crying? Should I have been disrespectful and called her out for her unjust actions? I did the safest thing I knew, because had I done option 1 she might have marked me absent for class, though just being in class in that emotional state was absent enough for me. I couldn't be disrespectful or else I'd receive an office referral or something. I stayed out that period crying silently to myself, blaming myself, and I walked out when the bell rang and didn't go to journalism class after that, I went to my drama teacher crying.
He was outside the drama room talking with one of the students with other students waiting to talk to him. I waited for him to stop talking, and when he finished his conversation he turned to me first and told everyone else they have to talk to him another time. He brought me into his classroom and corner desk and hugged me until I stopped crying. I hate hugs, but I really needed this one. After I calmed myself, I explained to him what Esquer had done to me in the period before and then he called for security to take me to the campus psychologist. I was sad he referred me to someone else. I didn't like telling people I didn't know about things that affected me so.
I met the campus psychologist, this woman and I repeated what had happened again. It distressed me so because this teacher, a mentor, a professional, and a teacher of all people had bullied me within this school, classroom setting. I knew it was not right and that is why it had distressed me, saddened me, because that sort of action, response, whatever was unacceptable and not correct to have happened. It shouldn't have happened, I was not doing anything outrageous to have done that to myself other than be a little behind in starting an assignment. This was a personal issue.
School was my only haven from home, I hated being home and I loved school because it was an escape. I loved school because I could be who I was and not be discriminated by the important people in my life by distractions like homework. I didn't want to deal with it so I just excused myself with homework, got lost in getting so involved and away from home. I couldn't stand having to deal with bullying and judgement from a teacher at school. I couldn't stand it. I have enough of that at home, I do not want to be dealing with that at school. Why do I have to be dealing with that at school?? Ridiculous. She asked some context questions: How were my grades in the class? How did I act in the class? My grades were good, and I participated a lot in class because that is how I learn best. I felt sometimes that she would ignore me and that she had favorites because she always picked certain people first.
The psychologist ask if I had someone to talk to, a friend. I said yes, but I really did not know if I had a friend I could tell this to. Someone who really cared enough about me to care about me being distressed. I don't think I really did. I can say that Jon is my best friend, but I do not know if he cared. I do not know. He is my best friend, but I don't talk to him as much anymore, and I'm sad I don't much of an effort. That's another story. She said good, then she asked what can be done to solve this problem and honestly, I didn't know what could have been done. I did not know. I only knew the dramatic and radical solution which was switching class. I always thought that was stupid, people who did that were stupid because so long as you did your work properly that was enough to get by. I know no that was not the correct solution, and I knew back then it wasn't either but I knew no other way. If I had the knowledge I knew now back then I should have brought it up to the principal, I should have gotten her fired or at least I should have written her a letter and talked with her what the fuck she was thinking. I stayed in her class for the rest of the semester, and nothing was ever addressed between her and I. I felt stupid for switching classes but I know for sure what she did was wrong and forgive me for being a wussy or not tough enough to stay in her class, but she had problems with me. I did not want to stay in that atmosphere knowing that she might do that again to me. I did not want it to happen again, so I left.
Four years later, I still go back to that day, I still cry because it was not right. I am sad that happened to me and I did not know how to handle that situation. I did not know what to do. Traumatized until I can do something about it, until I can address it however small it was. Traumatized that this happened to me in my haven.
Now I'm glad to say I know what I can do if that were ever to happen again, and hopefully I plan to send this post to her eventually when I stop putting up excuses.
Senora Esquer, you have traumatized me, influenced me, made me cry, make me cry, but I am comforted at these times knowing that what you did was wrong and should not have ever happened. I will address you one day. Not for revenge, but for myself, to heal the wrong still resides within me.

when i have nothing to do
i get so incredibly lonely why is like that? it's always been that way yet why do i feel more empty not at this age????

luis picked up his phone last night i like him a lot but i told him just turning gf bf like... he does not deserve it
it hurt him but it's the truth, you have to earn it.

it's like pledging except in a relationship
shit

so i crossed into the sorority and now i can say i'm a proud member of-
but honest to say
i am sad and i feel unvaluable to this group of girls and unappreciated
we want to help it out and make it better
dig our sorority out of the hole it got itself into
but i feel like the girls don't give a shit and do as they please
why do i feel this way
i feel that i am not respected, that the young girls do not respect the older girls
and in that i mean age wise, but the omegas are all older than the psi's for the most part so i do not know how that will work

also i'm sad about stephanie and zyanya. i know zyanya is so happy she's in but i cannot rely on her as a sister could and i know she feels the same. steph just chooses not to get involved hence im distant. we are distant
life can't be perfect and i got at least a mix.... at least i have something

what was i expecting
love and respect
mostly respect i hate the respect issues we got going on....

i'm sorry but don't expect me to respect you if you give me no respect and acknowledgement in return because well... that's how i work
i have a lot of things on my plate, i do a lot of things, i accomplish a lot of things and i am very proud of what i do and i look to be recognized for it. i can do a lot of things, i can help, but i can't help if the group doesn't want to be helped

well all i can say right now is that i'm sad at how i don't like so many of the girls and the dismall disgusting reputation the sorority has gotten in the one year since i last went to rush. i joined because of those girls, not because of you, i will try and make up for that, but i can only do so much if you are going to act disgusting and immature

the end
not
i want to fix this
i need to run and loose weight.

i dont want to be ffat

life is perfect
i have everything
except a relationship, but i don't need that
i fucked things up with luis
i really really like him, but i really abuse him our relationship, his emotions, how he thinks of me
i really fuck around with his head and i need to stop being selfish and let him live his life.
he won't admit that i'm abusing him, but i believe that's the truth, it's just we love being with each other but i make things so damn complicated we just shouldn't be together at all.
it makes me sad
i really really like him, but
but it just does not work
it doesn't and if 2 years is not going to show me so i do not know what else will
i really like him,but
i fuck things up for him, i make things so hard for him, i really fuck around with his feelings and make his life so much worse and harder and difficult and stressful and frustrating and maddening
it is me, and he just deals and does but i make things so complicated
i need to go away from him.
i like him a lot but this is not the time and not what i'm looking for.

just enjoy life and stop making it so complicated
you have the whole world, one thing one relationship is not what you need to worry about right now.

OMFG I GOT HA OMFGOMFG

so sam lin won the lindsey stirling cover contest, honestly I thought he did a great job and he deserves it. he'll definitely have music in his life forever, he is so set and shouldnt care about school, not one more qtr dude. I'm really proud of him, but he's definitely too cool and awesome and BUSY AS FUCK for me now.
sighh all i ask is all the time in the world, so lets forget about this sam guy because he got too much going for him now
i feel like just another fan girl now so much for that

so luis finally gave me MY birthday present a month later
i might go back to him isnt that pathetic of me? i dont know i have to think about it and get my shit together because i still have school and I have to recompose and redo my steps and life because things got a little derailed on friday after i found out i did not get HA. everyone thought I would, i thought i would but i knew that my interview went not well and i was counting on how much they knew about me already and what I have done, but that was too dependent on not the interview the ultimate deciding factor. I cried all Friday afternoon because of this derailing, it was all i ever wanted in college i felt like i worked so hard up to this moment to be slapped to the ground. for nothing, all this for nothing, but you know what i did it cause i loved it, i loved it. and I just have to step forward from there, i want to famous, and then i look at what sam is doing and it's just too much work and too large of a scale for me for me to devote the amount of time i'm willing to.

but i want to sing. I've always wanted to be HA and i didn't get that so i want to attempt to learn to sing.
aside from that i had another pathway in case i didn't get HA i'm going to graduate early because i have nothing left to do here except get a fucking internship
just one good internship in an agency
i REALLY need to do this ASAP.
fuckkkkkkkkk

k well anyways i want to sing and I have to seek out an sd voice teacher because the next big thing i'm going to work on aside from internship is go to cruiseline. that's what i want to do once i get our of university because that's the only time i can. and now i can do it sooner. i really want to go agva though!!!! im short, but if i can just master my voice, my voice and singing, that would be beautiful achieve something i've always wanted then i can head out to new york for auditions. fuck how terrifying! ok yes that's what i want but i still want to sing

my girl crush sings, she's so beautiful and talented..
anyways i dont want to move to new york i want to stay in la cause it's too complicated in new york, but i have to go there if i want to be an agva on cruiseline SIGHH i have a year
i need to look into that but most importantly internship

and finals in two weeks, which i REALLY need to read for the rest of my days
READ READ READ and catch up and then....

tomorrow i have things to do i really do.
forget about suing for now,
i guess stop by writing center tomorrow.........

goals for tomorrow:
send e-mail to EAP counselors for gilman, pat da for HA
read at least two readings....
study for mgt106 final on tuesday

i thought i had time and then i realized that i have internship tomorrow.
this internship is my alternative, i was half assing it because i really thought i wasnt going to continue onto next yr because i was going to be an HA but nvm. art power has the most talented art nuts
my own supervisor is an acrobat acting comedian and has been on america's got talent and had his own show down in sd for a while. he just came to ucsd so that he could get a degree b/c much of what he wants to do requires a college degree. hes so cool, and now i realize why hes such a jerk.

im meeting so many amazing new people.

i need to be amazing too, i can be now move forward and commit to be something amazing.

and get amazing grades
and go to the gym.

Good night.

HAHAHA NO MORE 6TH FLOOR BITCHES

oh my fucking god
its over
and i was so fucking happy
giddy euphorious laughing from relief that it's finally over
im in
that's it, i'm in i'm in :_)
i'm in

im not as glorious as before cause the nyquil is setting in
i had my first legitimate margarita today
with 7 girls
its done i'm in
it was raining, it's pouring and I had the best cake ever

hallelujah

now for this boy issue thang

My parents work hard and although I am going to universitynow, I live such a privileged life that my parents can afford not only myselfin a public university, but a younger sister as well to attend a four yearcollege.

just trying to save this awesome blurbs i wont use in my essay:

 Demographics andethnicities are important when looking to advertise. One has to be aware andsensitive, and although Chinese may be living in the United States they maymiss home, their attitudes may stem from the traditional Chinese culture

Another point is that in the United States there are so manyethnicities living in this country

            LearningMandarin Chinese will not only help me connect and communicate with my Father’sfamily, but it also opens up my network to other Mandarin Chinese speakers aswell. With this day and age of global enterprises and partnerships, beingbilingual is and incredibly useful and helpful asset to have. I like to thinkbig, and work bigger, which often means collaborating with others. Knowing,understanding and being able to speak Mandarin Chinese will allow me to reachout to Chinese speakers and

Translate, efficient, but most importantly I open up newopportunities and networks of people with this asset.  

            As aCommunication Major and Business Minor I want to get into marketing and inorder to have a successful interaction one should find some point of relation.One of my biggest fortes are my ethnicity. I relate to those who have grown upthe same way as I have, its important to understand their point of view. Knowyour demographic, and since I affiliate myself as part Chinese I want to beable to represent my ethnicity, be knowledgable about it.

That is one of the many reasons I am choosing to studyMandarin Chinese in China, so that I can finally speak to my family.  

Your last name is Lee, but you look Mexican is a commonremark growing up in Chicano populated southern California. I am actually onequarter Chinese, one quarter Cambodian, and half Salvadoran is my reply becauseI each ethnicity and culture is important in shaping how I grew up in theUnited States as the oldest daughter of immigrant parents.

Study Chinese language in China because roots, culture, opportunity

omg pandora has been putting on advertisements every other song

anyways i was thinking about how when a man admits he has a problem I find it unattractive because they just accept that they have a problem and i feel like they don't try and fix it from there. yeah just thinking.