i keep wanting to add things to my letter but im lazy i wrote too much anyways
hungry but lots of socials and such today
late to uhh my last class of the year :[
B on my essay i thought i did swell in...
got into another com class im psyched for next year.
tonight im going to fucking love
but im doing wayyyy too much today that i might not appreciate and love it as much as i should
my eyes hurt
nomnomnom
OH COOKIES?!
yessssssssssss

its almost over.

we never were

i'm being taken advantage of
despite logistics i still go back to a guy who hurts me thinking he'll change when he sees how much im suffering
how much he hurts me
but he doesnt see and is a blind immature little juvenile
who's a bunch of fluff and talk

im hurt
disappointed
sad
im being taken advantage of
and he keeps coming back to hurt me
i dont know what to do
but hes nothing to me now.

i dont know what to do
because i like him
but i know hes not good ffor me and i know this is going to end bad...
and he doesnt deserve a second chance with all the shit hes done to me.
what do i do
obviously bad outweighs good
but i want to be with him all the time..

I could've been a princess, you'd be a king
Could've had a castle and wore a ring
But no, you let me go
You stole my star
~
You stole my star

i dont see much in compatibility and compliments
there must be something wrong

i really dont know what to do
i want someone to make the decision for me
i cant stand it

regarding my life i thought this would be a break but it's not really a break
this whole entire weekend ive lived with this indecision in my heart
and for some reason it draws in my heart
and includes my stupid ex-boyfriend luis

as i said i want someone to make this decision for me
and for some reason i want to draw in my exboyfriends into this.

i know the correct and moral decision
but a part of me wants to throw it to the wind and finish fucking up this year so i can just start my new year with not as much suffering. pfft yeahhh right ill be in as much pain if not more as now by the new year
so what do i do
i want to be young and be careless about my decisions ill make up for them later
rather than be mature and responsible because time is running out
ive said ive made my decision several times but for some reason i keep rethinking it and im not certain of my decision
i want to throw reason to the wind and just live in the moment
but that would mean forgiving him for all the shit he put me through
for being so damn inconsiderate
do i want to fucking sleep with a guy like that?
i just want to cuddle.thats all i want to do, i want to cuddle.

i dont know why its so easy for me to forget about all the horrid things he made me go through
he doesnt deserve me again
but i suppose the reason my mind wanders to him frequently is my jealousy for him being so care free
i wish i can say fuck it and yeah
but if i did that everything i stand for is for nothing
nothing at all what a waste!
all that suffering for nothing
can u believe it is it worth that?

so i don't have to write this later
btw im get so impressed by my awesome writing skillzz
sometimes...

reasons why i will not go out with luis mendez
hes too fucking immature
nothing to offer me in the long run, and in the short run it's not even worth my time listing hence nothing.
he smokes
i take care of him
he doesn't promote anything good in me
he doesnt support me
he doesnt comfort me
hes not even stable himself, how can i expect to rely on that
he doesnt fucking trust me isnt that fucking sad
and hes freaking insecure i cant believe how fucking insecure he turned out to be what a prick
he so fucking emotional it's like he's a fucking baby
he has not control and doesnt act like he has priorities
not strict enough too loose.
hes so spoiled its ridiculous how everything comes to him, hate that
he always gets his way
hes doesnt act like he knows everything, and he doesnt know everything
i feel like on the same level as him, which aint good because ill beat him
i fucking hate taking care of him, who am i his mom?
he thinks hes badass
he cares too much what people thnk
hes mean
hes so selective when it comes to people his manner of meeting and getting to know people is just plain wrong and stupid, he's so stupid
he doesnt know where hes going
he never asked me out
weve never been on a fucking date
its me who's always wanting to do things
hes fucking cheap
hes fucking emotional
he expects me to make all the fucking decisions
he is such a girl
he thinks he can get anything
its all about sex with him
BUT apparently its not about the sex
i hate sex.
he can get it anywhere if he wanted boy i feel special now
i shouldve never went out with him i didnt gain anything
except stupid college stories
he never opened up to me
he keeps to himself
he doesnt fucking talk to me
we cant just fucking hang out
he cant share me, it has to be him and only him
hes such a fucking baby
he never cares to meet my friends, he hardly knows them
he intimidated me
he assumes shit with me
hes stupid and is going to change for me
he didnt respect my decision
he doesnt listen to me
hes so fucking stubborn
he doesnt ask for help when he needs it
he didnt take care of me
i dont mean anything to him
he doesnt care about me
im not special, you say i am but u dont treat me special
you dont try and impress me
you dont think about me and how i feel
you dont consider me and my priorities you never think about that u just let me take care of my shit
i got such shitty grades because of him
this quarter was such a wreck a lot of it was his fault.
you dont take care of me.
you dont help me out of your own free will
you didnt help me.
you waste my time
your a distraction
and i thought that i could  possibly marry you
what bullshit was that
all you want to do is sleep and have sex
nothing i say get through to u
you proved me right about your mexican heritage
youll never rise out of your class with how youre living now.
you need to change
start now bitch.

im sure theres quite a few more but thats just a little of my complaints
thatll remind me of how ill never go back to luis mendez
my stupid spoiled baby exboyfriend
i cant talk to you this week.

i want to be beautiful again

beirut pandora station
home in my pjs cooking
and massive thanksgiving feast.
this is great
well i feel im not cooking much more than my other siblings
my sister and dad are closing up shop
my brother is getting ahead in school work and my other brother is playing games and running errands
this feels great
i feel bad for those who chose to stay at school or who couldnt return home because although
my home has all these problems that i slowly remembered as i returned home
im glad to call this home to have my lovely siblings to annoy and bug and my mom to take care of me.
-
everyone's home
i don't know what i'm going to do with my life.
i need to tough it out thats what i do with my life.
:[
thats what i do with my life.
i cant wait to go back to counseling

im sad i want to help and take care of luis but i cant even take care of myself
i need to take care of myself
i cant even take care of myself
look at me.

luis isnnt good for me
he doesnt promote any good things
i cant learn great things from him
hes not good for me.
i need to keep reminding myself of that.
i have things to look forward to and i know where im going i cant lose sight of it

and i loved my outfit today
YEAYA