I went skydiving on Sunday
moved it earlier because i think it's going to rain this weekend
it was freaking epic
but i have a lil neck pain now

TODAY is my birthday YAYYYYYYY!!!!
TODAY IS MY SPECIAL DAY<3333
i had dance practice ended late stocked up with happy kash
and now im ready for fun tonight
break
then birthday dinner which i havent decided on where yet
and party
which will be epic
first party in my apt
and zaida's bday is on sat
charlys throwing a party on sat thats fun themed
its going to be a blast, lets see if i actually make it there though!

theres a balloon arch for me so far
today is going to be nice.

good lord
it has been ages since ive actually taken time to blog my crazy college happenings
but mainly ive been hella busy
lols hella
i just spent the weekend in big bear with my guy and his frat
it was pretty awesome come to think of it, i got to know the guys
but if i say just one more detail about it that irked me ill automatically be labeled as a slut so im just going to stop there
i randomly saw chino hills people there
i wondered how i looked to them
read and partied
kind of thought it stupid to drive 4 hoursish to party in a cabin up in big bear but it was definitely a change watched snow and BEAT ROGER in bp lols
i like the omnicron class their just deerss, but whatever

i hate my relationship with luis but its not really a relationship so i dont have to deal with it
but i still hate it
i havent been socializing
i party but with luis
my birthdays coming up and im going sky diving
ive already gotten the ticket, i just need to make an appoint
ive been feeling so overwhelmed lately
my schedule today was impossible i ended up skipping two things
but now ill get backj to work all happy
i dont go well with coffee used just to wake me up it irritates me and causes some muscles to twitch for hours
im not that enthusiastic about dance
i love my classes except ESPANOL I HATE ESPANOL
shit i need to do TDDE i forgot thats due like at 1 or something....

yeah starting to get overwhelmed
luis didnt get ha which makes me nervous for when i actually apply. UGH

well i have 2 essay due this thursday need to get crackalackin
why am i so antisocial?
its not a bad thing though
it is not a bad thing.

Today is a GRREAT day!!!
it is just great weather
i won an essay contest that i missed practice for
went to ballroom dance club
ate meatballs
did a friend a favor
and talked about how incredibly involved i am, because i am and im loving it
today yes
yes.
grreat day
went running
hit the spot
amore

really busy
but i can handle it now
i really like him but i think he takes me for granted now
need to become disinterested.
not into dance anymore, just too lazy because im too busy

but i still really like him no kidding
but im the one always calling on him
thats not right isit?
takes me for granted.

dear xanga
i feel like ive failed already
failed already with everything new years
im not ready for school
not ready for the new year
not ready to start being a new me
though i did go to a disney audition on saturday which was GREAT
but from after john came and visited me i felt it was all down hill
and i wasted my time
and i dont know it was just bad

i need to stop with luis
i always have shitful regret after seeing him
and especially after spending the whole day with him
ALWAYS
i need to stop and be more
be more stronger
please
please

im a horrible person.
I need to make it stop and no one else
but i feel a wreck and am a wreck?
i need to make it stop.
ill call david start texting him start working on our shit
i want to compete
no what im doing and what i did was wrong
i realize that my mom is concerned with me
i realize that
i realize that
now its only to stop it

stop
lets get this show on the road
because my show must go on
and rock
but today was a nice day.

Happy New Year Xanga!!
it's 2012 and i'm still blogging! goodness gracious but here i am
im happy and its fresh
im happy with where i am now its not the best situation, there are definitely things im not happy with but i can fix them, or i can at least attempt but it's a process and i have slack and time before my string is pulled tight.
i'm growing up, and this year i'll be turning 20 years old. ohmygoodness, ill be not a teenager and be one of those old people i always gaze at mesmerized.
i was kind of living in limbo up until now
but now i know what i'm going to do this year because my dad pushed me in that direction
and me being distressed with this change and dose of reality i vented with my ex-boyfriend who has the amazing quality of always being there haha he's great but i'm done with relationships. :]
but i see this growing into a great relationship
i just hope it doesn't turn into something incredibly superficial.
but i'm happy, it's not perfect but i'm happy.

listening to great music, uploading last years picture finally, memories, ridding me of the horrid feelings sentiments that might or might not have come with them
i'm over them with the new year ready for new things to fill those now empty spots
it's just a symbolic new beginning but i like to go with the occasion and the new year definitely brings me
but it doesn't magically go away, it doesn't
nonetheless
on the road to recovery
it still hurts
it does, i watch those videos, i look at the pictures
and it still hurts, stupid boy
but yeah

ok well finished uploading all the photos almost done with all of the videos
need to sew today
and read
i love to read, ill be doing a lot of that when i get to school :]
need to start looking for a job
i REALLY REALLY want to look for job in the disney area
i love disney.
lovelovelove disney
and i need to work on my skills and abilities to get me into my field
which means
graphic design BARF
uff i hate photoshop but need to learn it.

***
nonetheless here are my new year's resolutions-ish
or more like things i have/would like to do this year:
get a job
not be in a relationship
compete in ballroom dancing
get straight a's
be happy and not mean to my siblings
not get into fights with my dad
have fun
balance out college life
spend more time with relatives
work on skills
do more volunteering

yeah im not all for the resolutions
but i know what i have to do

memories memories
luis was definitely a lot, i pretty much had a yr with him, and i have so many crazy stupid stories because of him
i know he has crazier but mine are good for me. he's completely new and different
rushing panhellenic definitely gave me an impression
chill kbs
living by myself for a month and going to school and dancing
going social dancing for the first time
learning how to tango
dying my hair red and bleaching it and attempting to dye it myself
having the perfect life for two weeks and just being awesome
my awesome multiple jobs ive had i realize were all this year
ive learned so incredibly much about myself and to help my skills and abilities
i got my first real "job" or paid internship which i beat out quite a few people for the position
my leadership abilities augmented
non-sexist speaking lols my inland friends totally make fun of me for it
i met so many people in the last three months ITS RIDICULOUS
that was the end of my freshman yr and the beginning of my sophmore year
2011 i had quite a lot of fun drinking and partying
watching a lot of movies and doing a lot of crazy stupid college things
yes i look back and this year was jam packed, it was crazy and fun
i did so many things i even went to cambodia and missed a whole week of summer school
yeah i did so much i cant even digest it all in
but im growing and forging my own path
becoming me and i'm growing up

thank you 2011
i'm ready for more memories and fun
but more of a less chaotic development of myself
not as jam-packed and crazy
and more laidback, actually i don't want to say laidback but just not as much as i did this year
i can't believe everything all happened in one yr!
wellwellwelll
here i am
and bring in the new year
2012
i'm a sophmore in university
on my way to becoming an adult in the united states of america
who is very partial to her cultural backgrounds
but has decided to focus her cultural identity on the latino side so long as she's college at the very least
who loves to partner dance
and disney
and to dress up
and theatre
and just changed her major this year too! lols i forgot to include that
but yes i am not a communications major focused on getting a job related to performing arts, and i am currently thinking about doing marketing for theatre. i want to get ajob with disney, but i think that'll be in the future, for now i'll focus on san diego theatre.
i love movies, and classics, cult films
i've never smoked a cigarette
i've lived a very sheltered life but i'm trying my best to open up and embrace the world

well that's me in a nutshell
took me forever to write this post picking up dropping off the bro
plants vs zombies
my sister is getting better too, but it's not going to be easy
well that's it
i'm done
thank you 2011
hello 2012

my dads not paying for my school tuition anymore
he's not paying for my car insurance anymore
only thing tying me down financial wise is my cell phone

im mad though because i feel like in my 5 yrs of working i believe i made enough to cover my four yrs of tuition
im mad
but my dad wont talk to me
because he doesnt respect me
but i realize he doesnt have to because im only his daughter but im still his daughter
i wish i could just throw it all away but that only proves how much i need him
but i want to throw it all in his face let his family inquire about me and see where he left me

it makes me hate him even more
and hurts me more in my identity issues
because i respect both of my cultures
and i want to know both but i hate my dad
what a incredibly stupid excuse

my mom's leaving in less than a day
im driving her to the airport
im taking over household duties
i think im stressing more than i should
i have my own things to worry about

i need to remember that
dont stress out more than i have to
i have better things to do.

i hate being home
i hate coming home to a filthy disgusting home
house in shambles

people aren't doing their part i need to do mine
my dad got mad at me as i started interrogating my brother on what he did to help out my mom today
he said to just take care of my self and not order him about

i get so mad because look look what it is
i said dont ask me to help then
i know im going to work tomorrow
i hate work
i feel wonderful though
from going to san diego
it definitely was great, not as great as going alone but it was nice to go
wash up get some exercise in
and just pause in life
i love my hair and its thankful i went too
brought clothes shoes and most importantly and a main reason i went, underwear
i couldnt stand usingg my sisters ancient handmedowns
NO
not when i had a bunch of underwear in sd

i have to clean out EVERYONES CLOSET in this house
get to goodwill and get it out of my house
i need to sew a bunch of clothes
gather some facts about chinese new year
CHILL
and yeah just a bunch of junk
but so much in so little time
two more weeks and i hate working

i absolutely abhor it whats 4 hours? stupid i hate work and id never go out of myheart

i hate coming home and no one is there to say hello or greet me or anything yet everyone is home
no one bothers to say hi
it makes me sad
how can i force myself to act otherwise if that is how im treated?
i love how i went from content in san diego to wreck in chino hills within an hour and a half period
i do take things too personally

i was just thinking about how my dad said to just take care of myself
but i feel its my duty to redistribute equalize delegate
because i dont feel its that way
i was thinking that i feel like i am always asked to help but i feel like no one else is asked or i just don't see it
why don't i see it?????

and i was thinking of how i don't trust my parents to run this household on their own
i don't know why i am prone to think such a thought
but the ultimate thing is i don't trust my parents
it tears me to shreds when my dad threatens me
to not pay my university dues or other privileges such as driving
he uses all of my debts as leverage as a reason why i have to work
but i think i've been told and/or heard that its just taken that your parents provide for you
but why do they have to threaten me?
as soon as i went off to college i tried my hardest to enjoy myself and live a life without fucking work
workworkwork
and it is wonderful
but i come home and ill always have that damn shop to pay homage to
it sucks
why cant i just be a kid
its not fair i started working when i was in fucking grade school and my siblings are definitely of age to work and they dont work
why do i still have to suffer????
why
id understand more if i were an only child maybe only one other sibling
but this is horrible
and this is not my fault
but why do i suffer?
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it
and it sucks because in order to get away from it i have to find some other work to replace it
why cant i be a regular person and be stuck in unemployed limbo during their youth?
where i can go out and have fun without being tied down to the damned business?
why, i don't think it's right and it has killed me in so many ways
i dont know if ill ever recover from this horrible mistreatment

i digress
the main point i was trying to make though is how my relationship with my parents lack trust
theyve given me reason to no trust them
and they threaten me with my debts at the age of 19
so i live under the cloud of my burdening my family with every decision i make
maybe im too privileged, is this what it brings me?
how sad they dont trust me
but i realize now i don't trust them either
i don't think my mom can speak for herself so i do it for her
i don't think my dad is treating me right so i cry, but i can't
i forget when i come home
i can't cry

let it out
girl you are great
persevere
you can do this
i know, but i need help from somewhere.

i'm bitter
i like chino hills
but i don't like chino hills because the people here have rejected me
i have but a few who ive truly ever liked and loved and theyre still here they still love me
but the people who ive always tried to get along with have outright rejected and forgotten me.
love

but other people have found me
im getting along with my own people
in chino
not in my own socioeconomic background
but more in my cultural background
thats what ive been able to do to for myself and who've done for me
but i feel thats different
they care for me
but its demeaning? i feel its less
right?

other people will look at me as degraded and lowering my class
right?
how cani say otherwise?
i need to find some dancing buddies
but i still feel bad finally being downright rejected
but it has always been that way
i have always seen it yet resisted it
but now im seeing it for what it is
and im just going to forget it?
im just going to take it as it is and stop resisting?
is that for the better
at least i can move on? instead of waiting for something thatll never be?
is that better?

yes i think it is
so fuck them forget them
think for whatever reason whatever characteristic i lack
i don't know what happened in those years since elementary school
what happened? i don't know but something happened and suddenly im unable to deal with somepeople
and i think one of the few variables that has remained the same is my familys fucked up donut shop
me being forced to work and feeling myself different and miserable and making that an excuse

there are very few people in this world who i can like
few people in the world whom i can relate with
those ppl are precious to me and i need to try not to lose them because i need them.
john
nicole
emily
diana
suna
oscar
brandon
morgan
leslie

i need to fight for diana
but thats it.i thnk thats normal

luis hasnt answered me and im dying
i want to call him why hasnt he answered me?
but like emily said he doesnt even deserve a merry christmas with what he did to me
i thank him for letting memy space
but im not ready yet
not ready to be just cut loose
not ready not ready
and its just making me insecure
ehah

and i thought i knew who i was
help help help
oh my head.