FML
I Freaking hate how its not perfect right now and it could  be a lot better and more convenient
but im suffering every last consequence of my decisions right now and boy does it hurt
and put a hefty crease on my wallet
i feel like i pulled something in my leg right now
and ive been fucking up left and right with my unnecessary car problems and losing expensive shit and all in all making my life miserable

i liike what i do but its not for right now its just too inconvenient goddammit
i losing track of my focus and it sucks.
suckssucks sucks shitshitshit
im tired as fuck

and im sad and frustrated and building up these emotions because my dad reprimanded my mom for going to disneyland today
and i was so sad
because shes always wanted to go but no one wants to go with her
so i went with her for the first time a years
and my dad got mad because she left the family behind to do something she wanted
my mom came to watch me work
and she got reprimanded for it
how fucking sad

too many things too many emotions
i dont know if ill ever get over them
I dont
know.
AGH fuckfuckfuck

oh xanga i need to vent
im just so stressed and anxiety over my stupid car
i realized that having a car has complicated my life way more than it had to be
also getting my disney job and saying i was available to work right away has definitely made my life so incredibly hard and difficult
im only hoping i can make it to summer without anymore accidents and misfortune
i just have fucked up so much in the last two days
starting with not caring that my car was smoking when i got to the parking lot and thinking it would fix itself
my radiator turned out to be cracked and i blew the thermastat on my way to my second day of work at disney
for 3 penalty points for that
i also had work in the morning and i ended up grabbing the wrong key costing me to be 5 minutes late to work meaning another 1.5 points
i put together wrong and had a helluva time dragging him to my location
i forgot to do something again
went out on set late
and at the end of my first set i made a kid cry and a bunch of came over asking if i made a kid cry :[[[[
FML
is hard
i miss my other
and fuck i checked out my time sheet and i realized that im clocked out late for lunch extending my lunch
and not only that
i did a longer set than necessary and i was dying
i still have a headache from it
oh today was a bad day
no doubt about it
but the whole time i was saying and hoping to myself this is the moment when everything will get better and turn around
im still hoping that
but im terrified for what more the world has in store for me
im just terrified
i dont want to lose this job that i love
i love it
but it has caused me so much trouble at the moment
i hope it was worth it
i hope it is worth it in the end

im probably going to get called and scolded tomorrow
cheers to a better day..

dear xanga i haven't seen or written in you in forever
so much SO MUCH has occurred and of course
im just using u as a distraction from actually doing hw and studying for my 3 midterms on thursday before sungod
i had a pretty nice almost great weekend. i was calm and not exactly peppy but idk i guess i was just pensive
i had my first set and it was amazing! although i couldnt see that well it was amazing i cant believe how amazing it was
and you cant even compare what i do to a office job but i need to watch what i say in public posts

i like raul
and thats currently distracting me right now but i dont want to be in a relationship
i feel like i would be taking care of him the whole time anyways
but hes endearing

uhm sungod got my people i hope the weathers nice
im going to make it a great day

but first i need to do well on all of my midterms
AGH how hardd!

ok im going to do TrOL stuff....

i want to create art
i want to create something beautiful.

so i feel i have boyfriends
to fill that void that friends and parents are supposed to fill
i understand that's not the right way
i acknowledge that isn't the reason one should have a boyfriend or girlfriend
but everybody has their differences.
so in acknowledging and understanding my own circumstance i can hope to stray away from that
i don't really understand being friends
there are only a few people i truely call my friends
but i really dont understand how to be friends
now i may be childish and blame it on my parents for them lacking any friends
but the concept is such a blur to me
i dont understand it. no one ever calls me except my boyfriend
i guess im too busy
i don't know how to hang out
maybe with only a few people

i have a boyfriend so that i can love and care for someone who loves and cares for me back
someone who can show it like i do
who's not ocd and can only think to one subject at a time...
it's college
fuck it.
i dont understand the concept
i know so many people but being friends
i dont know
im so judgmental
so picky on who i talk to

i dont know why its such a big deal!!!!
but i know im sad
i want to get away from bf
i do.

but im doing it in such a horrible manner.

i feel like i tell him everything
what to do
he doesn't talk to me
there are just too many problems that i just don't deal with
just don't want to deal with
that's why we weren't together in the first place

but nowi just want to make myself miserable and rid myself of these excessive problems i don't want to deal with
who's going to care about me now

how boring
my apartment mates, or at least the ones that are home
don't want to go to the event going on
i definitely do not approve
in contrast i did SOOO much today
i woke up at 5:30 read slept for an hour and read some more
went to class
went to work
napped for 2 hours
got conan o'brien tic
went to the gym
took a shower
went to muirstock
went to see conan obrien
ate
went to see clara c
saw part of lady danville but i was a little tired and wasn't diggin the mellow music
rather be relaxing in my room now because i did a lot today so much
what a great dayyy

disneydisneydisney

i want to play a game
i am at the point where i feel like life is perfect
i mean i feel like everything is great
im in all the classes i want, im ahead of schedule, i could even graduate next yr if i wanted....
thats what i feel
ill make an appointment to see how that works
but thats unexpected like my spain trip if that goes through this fall

when i grow up
im almost there
im 20 and im almost a grown up
i pretty much am a grown up...

im 20

when i grow up
i see myself as a well established woman of high class and society
when i grow up
i'll be cultured and working in pumps and expensive suits
dining with high end figures in my business excursions
when i grow up
ill live in an apartment all to myself
decorated in contemporary whimsical ornaments
my inspiration is
http://laceandtea.com/2012/04/

i could be this
and this is all going to have to occur within the next 10 years if at all
so this will be soon.

how frightening, but how exciting
but i need to realize, to live in the moment
it is a critique i've heard far to often more recently than not
that all this planning and expectations for the future blinds one to what is taking place in the moment
how often do i appreciate that moment, this time?
it is such a shame

but right now
easter day
i am extremely content with myself
where i am in life
and where i am going

thank you

first night back to school and im freaking done
tired as fuck.

god help me its going to be great
but im tired.

Dear xanga
it is saturday night
and my spring break is coming to a close
i am so antsy to get back to SD but there is still too much unfinished business here i want to die
apparently my application didn't get through to disney and I tried to apply again but it says i already applied, so im waiting for tomorrow to roll around so i may get that fixed
but still have some time until then
how frustrating
what happens if i don't get my paper work in time for my appointment at 8am on monday morning?

got my taxes in
got to fill out paperwork for disney
got to wait for disney to call me back tomorrow
all these technicalities are driving me up the wall
though
not to mention the one date conflict i have to sort out with my internship in sd so that i may do my summer disney job
im super duper excited, but im scared to be excited because of all these technical problems in my way now
what if something happens?
it'll get sorted out in a few days
until then
im antsy
_____________________
to sum up my spring break, it was an emotional coaster but it was pretty epic overall
most of the epicness coming from my unexpected audition result, and me winding up with a GREAT super fun summer job and many prospective new things
i came home excited to fill out my application and do my resume. got new underwear<333
i forget if i fixed up my schedule before i got home or after, eitherways i have a sweet spring quarter
found out about the dreaded cover letters and more internships
figured out study abroad, ran into my financial impediment
attempted to fix up my jacket, didnt work so well, sewed my dress so its comfortable wearable, but not exactly clean on the inside, meaning need to sew more...
then i hesitantly went to my audition thinking it more beneficial to be doing an internship over the summer and then totally pwning that shit and getting the job
fuck yeahhhh
drove home screaming, got emotional because no job is good enough for my chinese dad
went to work the whole disney gig bouncing around in my head
got home from work to jon and had phone calls and emails to manage meanwhile
made some BEAUTIFUL rainbow jar cakes. eye candy enough to eat, and tasted better because of the presentation.
took an hour or so nap then got ready for clubbing
and low and behold that night was fucking amazing walking up the strip and getting there everything in time and not that expensive and no traffic, and GREAT.
it was a small club but college kids nonetheless, it was a lot of fun i want to do that again
not to mention the perfect buzz and timing it great
dropping everyone off saying hi to mom as she went to work and i went to bed
going to work and just being high off the night and rockstar
showing pictures and being excited for disney
checking my email and finding out i got into my class before school starts and having THE PERFECT SCHEDULE
and finding out how much i inspire my peers
finding out the new car my dad is planning on getting is actually for me
and works well so i can commute to sd and anaheim
finding out i can keep my OL job in sd and summer job in anaheim<333
playing ddr and mario party with fam and friends friday night
not going to work and playing games
sewing
and now being antsy for school and the next couple of days to be over with

meanwhile all working
my disney buzz has definitely diminished since i found out i have some tech difficulties but itll be back as soon as i get that fixed and go to my paperwork appoint....
itll be back and ill be PSYCHED.

and tomorrow i guess im going to temecula to watch my bro in his light up costume for dline
and church
and reviewing lines i need to memorize
and then coming back to chino hills even though sd is so close....
ohhh how painful
i want to go backkkk but i have business to do here......

when i get back itll be hectic that first week scrambling to get everything sorted out for the quarter
and caps and study abroad and hau
and then babybear
itll be a rush

but my break was awesome over all
awesome
thank you disney for making my break awesome.

Just turned in my first application for an internship with the entertainment aspect of Disney
I THOUGHT I was set until I realized how many internships Disney offers, especially through ABC and their many TV programs.....
OMFG

My first application didn't need a cover letter, but the other internships I uncovered I realized DOES need a cover letter OMG
lol
I didn't think I'd reach this point in my life
but...HERE I AM OMGGGGGGGG

I don't even know what a cover letter is, but i need to finish one hopefully tomorrow
and I need to finish it before Thursday i pray because although my week is not packs I have a shit ton of things to get done
mainly sewing....
ahhh i didn't realize what a quest job hunting is! and its not even a job im looking for, its an internship.....

I hope I can work for Disney this summer..........