i was never really proud or happy you were ever my boyfriend
u really cant think for yourself
everything that i can brag about is something i told u to do
ur just a stupid dog
and u dont know how to treat me
u dont know how to treat this girl that you supposedly like
and im too damn nice that i let u keep treating me this way
that i keep hoping
that i keep getting hurt
that i keep on getting disappointed

i am so fucking over this
it's time to look for a new boy
god help me keep to this
because i am not happy and i havent been happy for over a year

I had vivid nightmares tonight
woke up 4 hrs earlier than i normally do

i had a dream that it was my last day at disney and they made me do minnie at plaza and i am not mouse height
they had changed around the layout of the headroom and had all these cool new gadgets for like chipmunk hands
but i talked to a girl and she said that shes not really mouse height either but she would take the minnie because they might start scheduling me that.

goodnight <3

met more family i never knew existed and so thankful for seeing this

posada was today

and i ate way to damn much
when u eat so much you want to fucking explode/barf

i fucked up im a stupid girl
too nice
and youll never go anywhere else now
is this what u want?

i just dont want to be alone.
i hate being alone
i get so sad
i get so cold
i dont want to be alone

today ill be driving alone home and taking a plane alone to a country i havent been to in years
i feel scared
i hate being alone i hate being alone
i get so lonely
i dont need someone but i want someone
not just anyone but someone.

lonely and i dont want to start packing and continue with my life
y do i get lonely
y do i get so lonely

i write on this because it's easier to type at the pace i am thinking despite being given a diary and told to write in it everyday.
but i think im officially done and over
and it makes me so sad but its been such a long time and no change no change
im done its over and i continue my search. im just a little scared because im incredibly dependent or something of that sort on companionship. i may know a lot of people have sisters and friends but in the end i want someone there for me, my boo my companion. i need love, i want to be loved that's just how it is.
it makes me so sad though, because i really thought he was the one, that i still stuck beside him because i wanted to give him a chance to change and chance to learn. I had hope, I hope. I hoped. I am still hoping to hear a knock on my door and its him, i hope i hope, but obviously i wasnt serious enough. obviously this is not a serious issue. i'm sad because i like him so much, i do. but we are not compatible, he doesnt understand the way i think, hes stupid.
there were so many things he did that i liked but no. in the end it doesnt work.
im not his girlfriend, we were not together, this is not a breakup, because we never were

maybe when i go to china ill find another latino boy who knows chinese.
chin up baby your almost through

don't steal the light when another can shine the whole time
it'll make the show nice.

Tell me a little about yourself.
Well, i am 1st generation, and multicultural woman that has a passion for culture and the arts
i plan to go into publicity, pr, advertising work because the way I view things, if it shines, if its a product, organization, person who is exceptional and remarkable other people show about this. I want to help people. I feel that with this job I could help a lot of people because of everything UCSD has to offer. The resources, the organizations, the faculty, I feel so lucky to be a student here.

so ive been put in interesting demoralizing situations lately that im definitely making the best of but i do not know what is the right thing to do
or course that is subjective but
one that is not important to me atm is how im in a organization with low morale and motivation to go to meeting
my current problem is im in a group a girls who will let me do all the work when it is a group effort
i will not let the team fail
that is my horrible weakness
but thats correct and it makes me sad that im in such a group who will not even step up speak up or say something
about what im doing about what theyre not doing
we have a big group and we dont take advantage of it i might as well be in a small group at least i would justified to say i did a lot of the work but this is unacceptable and saddening.
this is definitely preoccupying me because i want to do this org i want to but these are not the girls i expected to meet and encounter and it makes me sad because thats not why i joined this. i dont want to leave but it's not fair to me and maybe that's what's best for me. i feel it is going too far to say that i might leave considering how much i put into it so far but imagine if you were in my position what would you do? what would you do.
i want to write a speech
maybe i can just read this probably not

I'm doing a lot of the things
I don't feel like i'm getting support
I really want to do this
I really want to do this quickly
But I am wrong because it is not I
it should be we
and we are not acting that way
and I am wrong to be pulling things along
if everyone is not ready to move forward
it makes me sad that i'll be calling everyone my p if
theyre not going to treat me like one or let me do this to myself
but mostly i have to apologize for doing so much
that is my fault

a woman without love withers like a flower with no sun

dear xanga
it seems i have abandoned you
no i don't know
im starting a new chapter in my life
im now involved but busy busy

im pledging right now
and thank god im in good favor..