officially been in china for over a month
omfg i hated it so much and liked it a lot
i love it
lol
i want to live here, i can imagine myself living here
it's very feasible totally doable
went to tianjin
fell asleep on a lot of transportation
several taxis later i ate
probably did not do well on my hw
and fml

i had these most delicious fried pumpkin chewey mochi-like cake dessert things
DELICIOUS
i cant get them out of my head
and chinese people are so idk i want to say dumb in that theyll do what you say even if it doesnt make sense efficiently

so fulll i kind of dont feel like going out :[[[[
but i want to
but so full
need to change UGH

stupid wedgie

i am often the target of bullying i am a small minority who likes to speak her mind and say when something is wrong
today i experienced some bullying and i am 21 years all
this person came to my door with the intention to yell and attack me
they obviously dont like me but i just cant believe her friend supported her action supported her yelling at me and causing such a scene
i dont understand it makes me so sad
i am having a depressing time already here why the fuck do i have to deal with this
isnt my missing my family and friends hard enough????
isnt my having a hard time connecting to people hard enough?
i know i dont have a lot a friends but thats my choice it puts me at a disadvantage

and this is where my role as an HA comes into mind, because in work situations you are told to never get involved in a fight dont burn bridges but what do you do?
someone is being bullied, you dont want to take sides you dont want to cause anymore problems,
but that person the victim, i feel for them but what do u do. I wish i had friends that would stick up for me, that would help me get over shit like this. I choose not to because i dont want to. I hate people like that

I hate that im an easy person to attack, i make myself that way but thats how i want to be
but i dont want people to bully and attack me antagonize me
you dont know nothing about me. deep breath
apparently

i am not supposed to do anything and not care
but i just hate such a situation
hate it so much
i wish i could get revenge, but thats not professional thats not the "right" thing to do

i can only just put out my thoughts out here. only that.

this afternoon
some dumb bitch decided to ring my doorbell and ask why i was spreading rumors about her
she said i had told my roommate that she was yelling she's going to the hospital in the hallway
so i told her
yeah im not going to fucking lie
people fucking piss me off

basically she rang my doorbell to yell at my face
when i told her to calm down she yelled to put my hand down and put her hand down and when i put her hand down she yelled at me not to touch her

she accused me of being dellusional of hallucinating of dreaming that happened
but i heard it hence i told my roommate cause im not just going to hear something and let it go

what i hate is that she wanted me to admit to lieing that im hallucinating when obviously it fucking happened but if i fought it would have went no where

i hope she fucking goes to the hospital.

theres no reasoning with drama queens.
im just picked on because i dont choose to hang onto someone because im not cliquey and i have no one to protect me

i have no one to protect me.
i can do it myself

but i know this isnt the end, i was recovering so i can head her off but it still makes me sad

i know i will laugh back at this in a couple months

but it sucks now.
and my roommate is incredibly sick.

i wonder if luis reads this
i had an emotional and depressing day
but i went out at attempted to recuperated
made an ending decision not to eat dinner and feel good about it
well i ate watermelon.

right now im debating if i can skip two days of class in two weeks...to go and visit an experimental high school for two days and most likely the weekend in another china metropolis
i would let my teachers know tomorrow if its ok, if i can make it up
im leaning towards doing it
very very much
i also am debating and leaning towards taking a caligraphy class on thursdays.
i know i don't know much chinese and can hardly understand it but yeah

went to silk road, it was ok bargained too low
ill ask my tutor to go shopping friday or thursday
probably friday but we'll see

it rained so hard last night

i failed my chinese test today. im going to wake up earlier and work harder on it, its definitely a lot of work. i need to put more effort into learning it.
ill feel better tomorrow because were getting new students in our class and probably someone who i get along better with.
i felt so depressed today because new kids came and theyre cliquing off and im unsure how to make friends. i like a few people but i dont understand the concept of being friends. making friends. which of course is essential to being an RA but i still dont understand it

i need to be okay and realize i like working alone
but i question it
is it ok that i dont ask for help is it ok that i dont feel like socializing cause i enjoy the company of my computer more? talk about anti social, i force myself to talk, but uff it should be otherwise.

tired night.

i am fucking sick of studying and working
and ugh
i need to buy a mouse
BLEH

im sick of getting the short end of the stick.

taylor keoni hurst
one of the cutest boys i have ever dated
a FB post on one of his covers reminded me of him and his beautiful singing skills
apparently he once dedicated one of his songs to me but i was never aware of it

back in the days of myspace, stuttering and west side story
i still cant believe how well he sings, but his voice is so incredibly unique and so deep
he is such a peculiar person, loved by his friends, a follower and very very silent
his speech and lack of it is something that makes me smile
he was just so damn peculiar and weird when he did talk
but he got into singing and was so great
im happy he loves what he does and it is just that
I feel like voice comes with luck it is a talent honed and practiced but something needs to be there and present to make it into something beautiful
or practice

but thats a lot harder and just as passionate
I jus

i guess im just attracted to musicians, to performers, singers especially because they have what i don't have
ive always wanted to sing but i can just perform enact and embody it
speaking singing no

i love musicians
i love music
i love this journey it takes me on
the stories it entails
how ambiguous and personal it is

your ex-lover is dead
it's been two weeks but im tired of going out
im tired of having to do things
im tired of doing so much work
and i miss home
the norm

i miss i dont know what because my home is not much of a home
its a transition period.....
its a place where i work see family hardly see friends
i need to make time to see friends but im so tired
so tired and exhausted when i finally do get home
im scared because home
is in san diego
and i feel that at least for now
i can count on luis
and i have that staple and it feels so nice to have that to go "home" to

im so scared because my home has been shifting it isnt permanent, i feel unhappy with myself
i need to have better control over myself
if i can just start with that
just control my eating then i can
then i can start getting to a happier place
control.

the only guys that really meet me are the ones who ask me if i have a guy
so depressing.
is it any different.?

so i like to gorge myself to the point of bloatation which is not working so hot for the summer
today i went to hooters in Beijing and they didn't have big boobs. i was sad. but they did know english
as soon as i finished eating 8 or so wings i started sneezing like crazy. of course my nose was watering from 119 wings which were pretty freaking good, but the sneezing has continued to now. It is very annoying

that and thinking theres fog in the air but it's just hazardous pollution im breathing in. I only saw some people wearing masks but i really kind of wish i wore one today.
ugh
this air.
the coldness thats too cold for me
but to keep the mosquitos away
so cold.

also i am thankful for getting scholarships to completely fund my study abroad trip to China this summer
thank you

oh xanga don't go, i can't believe you can even think to do such a thing. My whole fucking life is on here, from before i was even a teenager. whatthefuck all of it gone????

I come on here once a month, once every few months when the going gets rough. I want to think that xanga is the reason I kill my essays. Here I naively thought xanga would always be in my life and i can go back several years to see what ive been thinking about back then. What new problems have arise, have i conquered?

Now im in fucking China xanga, and I donated I did, but thats all i can do. I dont want you to go.

I came on here to blog about how i couldn't sleep
how my sorority bothers me,
how im so scared, im scared that all the shit i do for my sorority will not be seen and i will not be credited for my worrying and creativity. i know how to get things done and i do it in a bad manner, but it at least get things done. i dont fucking dream. I do. heh my computer password used to be ke3p dreaming. i realize how incredibly irrelevant that is to who i am now. ive gone so far, but im so scared. im so scared i will not be recognized for my effort, for the work i put into this damn sorority. I am doing it for me now, but i know i am doing it for the future also. its fun, i enjoy it, but only if other support me unlike now.
with every step forward i am met with questions, why? Why are you doing this? What is this for? Why are you wasting our time?
what my favorite one, the one I will never forget, from the person I dislike the most
stop trying to fix something that's not broken
i will never forget that
stupid cliche phrase

but im not trying to fix anything
whats done is done, and now we move forward and get out of the damn rut youve settled in.
i know im better than you, i know ive done far more than you.
but thats me being prideful, i know you and everyone else has their own road and own path to pave. they dont have to be like me, but i know what ive done and im damn proud.

its just fucking depressing that in order to get things done in a better manner i have to hide behind people, i have to hide the truth that i am doing all this shit. what the fuck.
in the business world that is not how it is. I will fucking call you out, whether it be professional or slyly, or through drunken text
i want to fix the problem and i will
because i fucking can

thats my phrase now
because i can.

I hate my relationship so much and 2 years later its no better Nd honestly gone down bill yet here I am stuck and unwilling to get out dreaming that hell change and realize one day how much he frustrates me
That one day he'll hear everything I say cause even guys are just supposed to gt it and he doesn't even though he doesn't get it and I tell him all the fucking answers hell actually do what I ask that he'll act like a normal boy in love is supposed to

Right now he wants me to do this to do that but honestly were in no place NO DAMN place to be making any requests
I hate my relationship I want out I want out
I still want out but were supposed to be doing better...
We're supposed to is bullshit
He doesn't have time for me he doesn't think of me
All I can say is fuck him and move on

Like I will

I want to and need to

I need to get out.