December 28, 2011
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i hate being home
i hate coming home to a filthy disgusting home
house in shamblespeople aren't doing their part i need to do mine
my dad got mad at me as i started interrogating my brother on what he did to help out my mom today
he said to just take care of my self and not order him abouti get so mad because look look what it is
i said dont ask me to help then
i know im going to work tomorrow
i hate work
i feel wonderful though
from going to san diego
it definitely was great, not as great as going alone but it was nice to go
wash up get some exercise in
and just pause in life
i love my hair and its thankful i went too
brought clothes shoes and most importantly and a main reason i went, underwear
i couldnt stand usingg my sisters ancient handmedowns
NO
not when i had a bunch of underwear in sdi have to clean out EVERYONES CLOSET in this house
get to goodwill and get it out of my house
i need to sew a bunch of clothes
gather some facts about chinese new year
CHILL
and yeah just a bunch of junk
but so much in so little time
two more weeks and i hate workingi absolutely abhor it whats 4 hours? stupid i hate work and id never go out of myheart
i hate coming home and no one is there to say hello or greet me or anything yet everyone is home
no one bothers to say hi
it makes me sad
how can i force myself to act otherwise if that is how im treated?
i love how i went from content in san diego to wreck in chino hills within an hour and a half period
i do take things too personallyi was just thinking about how my dad said to just take care of myself
but i feel its my duty to redistribute equalize delegate
because i dont feel its that way
i was thinking that i feel like i am always asked to help but i feel like no one else is asked or i just don't see it
why don't i see it?????and i was thinking of how i don't trust my parents to run this household on their own
i don't know why i am prone to think such a thought
but the ultimate thing is i don't trust my parents
it tears me to shreds when my dad threatens me
to not pay my university dues or other privileges such as driving
he uses all of my debts as leverage as a reason why i have to work
but i think i've been told and/or heard that its just taken that your parents provide for you
but why do they have to threaten me?
as soon as i went off to college i tried my hardest to enjoy myself and live a life without fucking work
workworkwork
and it is wonderful
but i come home and ill always have that damn shop to pay homage to
it sucks
why cant i just be a kid
its not fair i started working when i was in fucking grade school and my siblings are definitely of age to work and they dont work
why do i still have to suffer????
why
id understand more if i were an only child maybe only one other sibling
but this is horrible
and this is not my fault
but why do i suffer?
i hate it
i hate it
i hate it
and it sucks because in order to get away from it i have to find some other work to replace it
why cant i be a regular person and be stuck in unemployed limbo during their youth?
where i can go out and have fun without being tied down to the damned business?
why, i don't think it's right and it has killed me in so many ways
i dont know if ill ever recover from this horrible mistreatmenti digress
the main point i was trying to make though is how my relationship with my parents lack trust
theyve given me reason to no trust them
and they threaten me with my debts at the age of 19
so i live under the cloud of my burdening my family with every decision i make
maybe im too privileged, is this what it brings me?
how sad they dont trust me
but i realize now i don't trust them either
i don't think my mom can speak for herself so i do it for her
i don't think my dad is treating me right so i cry, but i can't
i forget when i come home
i can't crylet it out
girl you are great
persevere
you can do this
i know, but i need help from somewhere.
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