December 26, 2011

• i'm bitter
  i like chino hills
  but i don't like chino hills because the people here have rejected me
  i have but a few who ive truly ever liked and loved and theyre still here they still love me
  but the people who ive always tried to get along with have outright rejected and forgotten me.
  love

  but other people have found me
  im getting along with my own people
  in chino
  not in my own socioeconomic background
  but more in my cultural background
  thats what ive been able to do to for myself and who've done for me
  but i feel thats different
  they care for me
  but its demeaning? i feel its less
  right?

  other people will look at me as degraded and lowering my class
  right?
  how cani say otherwise?
  i need to find some dancing buddies
  but i still feel bad finally being downright rejected
  but it has always been that way
  i have always seen it yet resisted it
  but now im seeing it for what it is
  and im just going to forget it?
  im just going to take it as it is and stop resisting?
  is that for the better
  at least i can move on? instead of waiting for something thatll never be?
  is that better?

  yes i think it is
  so fuck them forget them
  think for whatever reason whatever characteristic i lack
  i don't know what happened in those years since elementary school
  what happened? i don't know but something happened and suddenly im unable to deal with somepeople
  and i think one of the few variables that has remained the same is my familys fucked up donut shop
  me being forced to work and feeling myself different and miserable and making that an excuse

  there are very few people in this world who i can like
  few people in the world whom i can relate with
  those ppl are precious to me and i need to try not to lose them because i need them.
  john
  nicole
  emily
  diana
  suna
  oscar
  brandon
  morgan
  leslie

  i need to fight for diana
  but thats it.i thnk thats normal

  luis hasnt answered me and im dying
  i want to call him why hasnt he answered me?
  but like emily said he doesnt even deserve a merry christmas with what he did to me
  i thank him for letting memy space
  but im not ready yet
  not ready to be just cut loose
  not ready not ready
  and its just making me insecure
  ehah

  and i thought i knew who i was
  help help help
  oh my head.

  • 3:48 am
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