November 27, 2011

• i really dont know what to do
  i want someone to make the decision for me
  i cant stand it

  regarding my life i thought this would be a break but it's not really a break
  this whole entire weekend ive lived with this indecision in my heart
  and for some reason it draws in my heart
  and includes my stupid ex-boyfriend luis

  as i said i want someone to make this decision for me
  and for some reason i want to draw in my exboyfriends into this.

  i know the correct and moral decision
  but a part of me wants to throw it to the wind and finish fucking up this year so i can just start my new year with not as much suffering. pfft yeahhh right ill be in as much pain if not more as now by the new year
  so what do i do
  i want to be young and be careless about my decisions ill make up for them later
  rather than be mature and responsible because time is running out
  ive said ive made my decision several times but for some reason i keep rethinking it and im not certain of my decision
  i want to throw reason to the wind and just live in the moment
  but that would mean forgiving him for all the shit he put me through
  for being so damn inconsiderate
  do i want to fucking sleep with a guy like that?
  i just want to cuddle.thats all i want to do, i want to cuddle.

  i dont know why its so easy for me to forget about all the horrid things he made me go through
  he doesnt deserve me again
  but i suppose the reason my mind wanders to him frequently is my jealousy for him being so care free
  i wish i can say fuck it and yeah
  but if i did that everything i stand for is for nothing
  nothing at all what a waste!
  all that suffering for nothing
  can u believe it is it worth that?

  • 12:56 am
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