November 20, 2011
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last night was horrible
my ex boyfriend is so inconsiderate
and doesnt think of how i feel, he doesnt take into consideration how i feel
how i feel guilty and responsible for anything that happens to him
i thought we had fixed things the night before
it was nice and perfect there were only subtleties wrong small details such as tension
we were friendsthe next morning we cleared things up we were on a common ground
that night he came to my apt and picked me up
i went to his birthday party. it was his birthday party i was there with him
waiting to start it people came not many at all
luis was excited because everyone he loved was going to be there
i was there
i had passed up going to close friend's birthday for him
i was stupid, so stupid
i was there i knew people i wasnt close with anyone they were all luis's friends
i was there
but i wasn't
once luis's friends came
i wasn't there
it was like i wasn't there
it was luis's birthday party but he never came up to me once his friends came
he never asked if i wanted to take a shot with him i was just there and i wasn't
he never talked to me, he never came up to me
i came up to him, i made sure everything was ok with the birthday boy i watched him
i jjust followed him tagged around with him
im so stupid.
i was just taken for granted
im special? fuck really? you didn't act like it
sure you noticed me when i was there when i wasn't but that's all nothing more than that
im special
i feel like shit.
i passed up great time for this?
a friend's birthday party whom i stopped by and gave parting gifts
friends' birthday party where they all know me, theyre happy to see me, where they care about me
good friends my only friends really
and im stupid and i go to my ex's birthday party where I KNEW i was not going to have a good time
I KNEW IT, but im stupid and i go because he means a lot to me
but no.
luis got pretty drunk, almost all of the people he loved were there. he invited them all because he wanted them all in one place but is it alright. you noticed immediately the differences in people with one common thing of knowing the birthday boy. the tour guides, the fraternity boys and girls, the muir ols and has, the muir mates, and me. kind of caught in the middle all of it but not having any particular spot except one supposedly closer to luis than everyone else but really? didnt look like it?
the party was dying not that many people ended up coming
i felt like bawling crying because no one wanted me there i didnt really no anyone and i had passed up a goodtime with friends for this. i was so stupid. i do it all the time! i had done that before, but this time i am not with the birthday boy, and i will go.
i secure my ride home, i leave to go cry, but there's someone everywhere, i come back with all of my things scared they had left without me
no im sober i wont leave you
please dont leave me.
someone knocks, it's dustin it must be
i glance outside of the glass door andit's a man in a black suit wearing a shiny badge
omygoodness
ive never been that close i rush with all of my things into luis's room, into the dirty backyard where the propane was leaking.
too cold i go back in the room, just stay in here helen nothing will happen
luis comes in all giddish
theyre not going to write you up just show an id and leave
i dont know what to do
luis i want to go home
no helen dont, please dont go i wont do anything to you i just want you here with me ill take you home in the morning, no please dont go helen, youre beautiful dont go. i need something solid and concrete in my life and youre one thing that is please i need you here, please stay with me helen helen helen.....
luis helen's ride is leaving
luis her car is leaving right now
is everything ok?
dont leave me.
can i come with you. no. ill drive you helen. no luis your drunk. he had done 2 keg stands and chugged half a bottle of tequila. he was drunk. no luis your drunk i dont want to talk to you like this, let me go home. please luis. y wont you let me go home. ill talk to you tomorrow, i dont want to talk to you like this. let me go home luis please, why wont u let me go home. i feel like i push him lightly so he can let go of me and he falls on the floor his hat falls off and im shocked i cant believe i did that to him, hes drunk he cant even stand up. i need to go. just answer this question who brought you here. you did luis. i came because you asked, and now i want to come home. i came here for you luis, but i want to go home.
ok
i leave shaken out the door staring at the cop car watching us leave, we leave. im scared luis is going to do something stupid. im not sure if i made the right decision. im scared hes going to do something stupid, im scared hes going to follow me.
no his bros should take care of him...
we go to mexican food down the street, everyone from the party moved there for food, sat down waiting for everyone to get their food, i just want to go home. luis texting me, luis texting brian
hi helen everything ok, no.
home, walk to sunas no ones awake party had ended everyone asleep
hes going to come and no ones here for me.
i walk to my apt. and start settling down when i get a phone call from luis.
let me in.
where are u? howd you get here? who drove you here? why are you here?
i drove me.
i told you not to come i told you not to come. i cant believe you i told you i didnt want to talk to you like this. i dont want to talk to you now, go next door go find someone else to stay with i dont want to see u.
he keeps calling me, he keep knocking the door, he keeps ringing the doorbell.
im sorry it's luis i left the party i dont want to talk to him right now i dont know what to do
im sorry i woke u all up i dont know what to do.
i called marinez but i guess the nak boys brought the party to another house
why didnt they take care of mendez? i know hes your president but why cant someone else take care of you? why do i have to take care of you, you said i wouldnt have to you said i wouldnt have to.
this happened before thats what killed me this had happened before
i was going to leave but i was so drunk i couldnt find my way out and i didnt know how he was i just want to make him happy but it made me unhappy
this time i left but he still made me unhappy what can i do
this time i left and he was stupid and drove after me and bothered everyone in my apt to see me
he wanted me to talk to him when he was drunk as fuck and wasnt listening to what i said he didnt respect my decision he doesnt listen to me why would i want to spend the night with a person who has made me unhappy. wth are you thinking?
i dont want to talk to you like this. you never consider how i am feeling and you only think of yourself. i dont want to take care of you im just like your mom, i take care of you and i dont want to. why do i have to take care of you you said i wouldnt.
now i want u to leave, i want u to leave i need to go sleep and i need to do stuff i need to finish my things first. please leave bye go. bye no. bye.he takes my cup, roger follows him out.
veronica runs after him for the cup, roger makes sure he doesnt drive
roger why doesnt your bros take care of one another i thoguht thats what u do
idk luis acts different for us this was a new situation ive never seen mendez show emotion he doesnt act liek that with us with us its all business
isnt that sad? u act different with different people, isnt that sad u bros can take care of one another and not mendez? isnt that sad?
i feel horrible i ruined his birthday party
i feel horrible i went just so i could make him happy but it made me so unhappy its not fair i dont want to do thisluis is so stupid
he doesnt consider me and what he does to worry me
if he had gotten in trouble, hurt, a ticket, in a crash, or died i wouldve fucking blamed myself and that wouldve killed me but he doesnt consider what he does to me. he doesnt consider everything i fucking sacrifice to make him happy he doesnt realize and it kills me and makes me so unhappy and no matter how many time i tell him what difference does it make? he doesnt hear me, he doesnt listen to me, he doesnt respect my decisions. he just does things for himself and he doesnt realize how much he's hurting me, and i can never seem to get through with him. im sad. i like him this guy is great but how low hes fallen..
i considered this guy, i thought i could possibly marry this guy just work on a few things as we grow, i felt we were like so perfect, but unfortunately not so. and no.
hes crazy and acts obssessive and so low and pathetic, no remorse no dignity you stoop so low, why do u do that to yourself. do u think that looks better in my eyes? are trying to get me to stay you want me to pity you? would YOU stay if you were in my position. that is that is the main question not the main question but the main thing he almost will never realize. he doesnt see it that way, i dont understand why he never considers that.im done
sadly i dont think we'll ever be together again i don't think he'll ever realize it
i lliked him.
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